The Apprentice 2013 Episode 7: the one with the coffins and the coffin dodgers

From her review this week I think Billie Graham of Cranberry Panda actually enjoyed this episode of The Apprentice.  For our entertainment (and my sanity) she has endured six weeks so far and done a great job (Setting the tone in episode’s one and two,  Episode 3: the one with the poxy boxy and the sales orgasm, Episode 4: the one with the milkshakes and the fruity cow…, Episode 5: the one without data roaming in Dubai and Episode 6: the one with the £300 plastic flamingo).  Here is her summary of what happened last night…

The Brady Bunch were whisked to the Tower of London so that Al could tell them the brief. I was hoping Al would be dressed as a Beafeater, but I can blame that thought on the cheeky tipple I was necking. Al informed them that this week’s task is to choose products for caravans to sell including one high ticket item. Did you lot know caravanning is a £6billion a year industry? That’s a lot of portable lavatories. I’m not entirely sure the link between the Tower of London and caravans. If you know, feel free to keep it to yourself; I’ve given this fiasco more than enough airtime.

For this episode, ‘caravan’ was the nominated drinking word. Go ahead and call me lazy, I couldn’t care less. Remember the aim of the game is to get Billie bladdered so I naturally went with the simple yet incredibly effective option.

Kurt was Team Leader for Endeavour because he is the only one to have kipped in a caravan before, or more likely the only one who didn’t mind admitting it, publicly. Team Leader for Evolve was Neil, because he has a beard and people who live in caravans have beards.

Both teams split and sent sub teams to pick their products to sell whilst the others head to the caravan show. During their travels, Endeavour play ‘spot the caravan’ by chanting “Caravan, caravan, caravan, caravan.” We’re only 8 minutes in and I’m blind drunk. Top shizzle.

The products both teams were pitching for were an electric bike, a kids adventure pack, an open top boat which doubles up as a coffin, and a camping chair. The caravan sites I went to as a kid, people only wanted to buy 100 ibuprofen and a litre of whisky. Evolve won the electric bike and kids pack to go with their £11,000 trailer and Endeavour were left with the other two products and a £17,000 caravan to flog. At this point I’m still figuring out the link between Tower of London and caravans.

Endeavour fail to shift one caravan on the day, not helped by the Welsh boy trying to flog “sailboats” even though their boats had no sails. Either “Boat shaped coffins” or getting Welsh boy to say ‘Hello campers’ Hi-De-Hi style over the tannoy would have won them the task! Evolve sold three of their caravans and for a posh plonker, Jason is exceptionally good at selling caravans. But I am about to remove any faith you had in team Evolve when one of their members asks a woman in a wheelchair if she had thought about buying an electric bike. Lord have mercy.

In the Boardroom, Endeavour wanted to die; they had sold a mere £1,479 worth of caravan crap yet Evolve sold over £30,000. Al the dark horse fired Kurt and Natalie, two not so happy campers. Sorry it was too easy not to. Why do candidates thank Al when he’s fired them? It’s bloody odd and shows they have absolutely no back bone. 

Quotes:

We were treated to two little gems especially for us recruiters; Natalie “I’m in recruitment – selling is my strong point. I don’t recruit from job boards, I actually head hunt.” And Miles when questioned as to why they didn’t sell a caravan; “There were no buyers.”

Business lessons learnt
1. When you start doubting your colleagues, watch The Apprentice and you will have a new found appreciation and a happier workplace.
2. The only person Al should go into business with, is the taxi driver. He is making a mint.
3. When fired, don’t thank the person firing you, unless you are genuinely grateful.