The Apprentice 2013 Episode 5: the one without data roaming in Dubai.

Poor Billie Graham of Cranberry Panda has hardly had a break before she’s back with her next review of The Apprentice for us.  She’s done some great ones so far (Setting the tone in episode’s one and two,  Episode 3: the one with the poxy boxy and the sales orgasm and The Apprentice 2013 Episode 4: the one with the milkshakes and the fruity cow…).  Here is her summary of what happened last night…

Al has had enough of the Brady bunch and shipped them off to Dubai in the hope that they’ll be arrested and he can start all over again. Sorry Al, even Dubai would rather let them off and send them back to us than keep these fools on their turf! The brief for both teams was to source eight items, at the best price, for the opening of a multi million pound hotel. Al expects them to be able to do business anywhere in the world; the very same fools who tried to sell Chinese waving cats to Chinese people in ChinaTown? Al’s expectations clearly know no bounds.

Two of the items they were asked to source were a Kandura and an oud. At this point I decided my nominated word to swig to, would be ‘Google’ because naturally the teams would be talking over each other as to who is going to Google the items. Massive fail Billie with no such luck. After guessing around a table what the words could mean they whipped out the yellow pages to find numbers of locals, who couldn’t understand English or Irish accents, to ask what the items were. Three hours later and none the wiser. Seriously, no Google?! I Googled an oud and Kandura in 20 seconds.

I’m telling you now folks, I endured the whole 60 mins stone cold bloody sober.

Evolve pick Myles for team leader because he is well travelled. Zee was team leader of Endeavour because he has been to Dubai before so knew everything about it. The same pleb who convinced himself ‘oud:mahogany’ was a fragrance. The boy has been watching too much Anchorman… They were also asked to source a flag which they had made to measure, the size of a flannel because Kurt thinks a centimetre is an inch; he’s not the only one though eh fellas?(!) Proving yet again that you will need basic maths in business.

Both teams ran around like headless chickens, spoke slowly and loudly to those who didn’t understand English – because that helps, and generally wasted a lot of time. Nowhere near the hours the other viewer and I will never get back watching this shite.

The task was about driving the best bargains and although Endeavour did that, they sourced one wrong object and didn’t complete their list so lost the task. There was a splendid showdown in the boardroom and Al fired Zee for being an arrogant twat.

Quotes of the show:

Boy from Wales: In response to someone selling him Fresh Viagra “I don’t need any of that I’m from Wales.”

Al: “If I asked you to get me 20 camels you’d come back with a packet of fags.” Classic.

Business lessons learnt

1. Just because the Yellow Pages exist, even in Dubai, it doesn’t mean you should ever be tempted to use it in place of Google!
2. Inches and centimetres are very different; Kurt is not the only man guilty of cocking up his measurements…
3. Haggle on anything, anywhere in Dubai. DelBoy would have a field day. nb: do not try this in Selfridges or Harrods as they will call you a peasant and have you removed from the store immediately.
4. Don’t start up a business selling Viagra in Wales. Apparently… 

Billie Graham is “Social Panda” at Cranberry Panda.  She says;  I have absolutely no authority, right or place to critique the Apprentice. My views are mine and the swear words are definitely Lou’s. I don’t just spend my days engrossed in Al’s show; I am also Social Panda at Cranberry Panda