I’m pretty certain that Billie Graham of Cranberry Panda will never again accept such a challenge as the one which has seen her having to watch The Apprenticeon our behalf and for your entertainment. This is what she has had to sit through in order to get to the final; Setting the tone in episode’s one and two, Episode 3: the one with the poxy boxy and the sales orgasm, Episode 4: the one with the milkshakes and the fruity cow…, Episode 5: the one without data roaming in Dubaiand Episode 6: the one with the £300 plastic flamingo. Louise’s from UK Recruiter had to do one The Apprentice 2013 Episode 8: the one where Louise had to write the review… and then Billie was back with The Apprentice 2013 Episode 9: the one with the meals on wheels and a ‘popty ping’ and The Apprentice 2013 Episode 11: the one with the Spanish inquisition.
As the other viewer and I were celebrating the last episode, we realised Al ain’t letting us off lightly: two whole hours of screeching girls, cakes and Botox . Pass the whole bloody mini bar and I’m still not clear on what they win. Is it a job at Amstrad? Most people have to be unemployed for more than 12 months to be forced to take a job there.
It’s Luisa vs Leah and all jibes aside, let’s not underplay this fantastic achievement to have two women in the final especially as they’ve both subverted the stereotypes of what women want…
Al told the girls to launch their business plans with a helping hand from the fired candidates. Lucky them! Naturally on the most important day of their lives, it’s imperative to be surrounded by recently fired compadres who aren’t at all bitter… Leah picks the best team (and Uzma) and calls her business NIKS because it’s Skin backwards. Swig swig swig.
Leah sends Francesca in to do a dance to Enya music. There are no words. Her promotional video is just as weird and proves to be an excellent alternative to general anaesthetic.
I won’t bore you with Luisa’s pitch as she didn’t win! Al hired Leah and will be going into business with Botox!
The Apprentice is unique as a competitive reality TV show, because I didn’t want anyone to win. If all else fails for Leah, she could switch to treating stds and call it Gonnerleah.
If I were Al, not only would I change football teams, I’d hire Neil and get the girls to combine business ideas to make cakes with frosting that doesn’t move. Everyone’s a winner.
Keeping with tradition, my quote of the week was The way Al said “investable candidates” sounded a lot like “testicle candle cakes”. Either I’m wasted or Al needs to work on his diction.
Business lessons learnt:
1. Next time you have a business meeting, sending in a dancer ahead of you will guarantee a £250,000 investment.
2. If times are hard, drink heavily. You will come up with some magnificent ideas.
3. For a good, successful career, do not go on The Apprentice.
Massive thanks to Billie for the reviews and saving me from watching the show. Maybe I’ll give it a go next year….
