The Apprentice 2013 Episode 6: the one with the £300 plastic flamingo

I think it’s safe to say that by this stage Billie Graham of Cranberry Panda will be cursing me as she continues to review The Apprentice for us.  I know she wants to find a replacement but she’s done a great job so far (Setting the tone in episode’s one and two,  Episode 3: the one with the poxy boxy and the sales orgasm, The Apprentice 2013 Episode 4: the one with the milkshakes and the fruity cow… and The Apprentice 2013 Episode 5: the one without data roaming in Dubai).  Here is her summary of what happened on Wednesday night…

Firstly, I need to set the record straight about something extremely serious and potentially life threatening; Al told me his ratings have hit the roof as a direct result of my posts. You complete IDIOTS. My posts are false advertising for the show; I put myself through an hour of hell to condense all of the “best” bits into 3 minutes, which isn’t too difficult, so you don’t have to. The 60 minutes will never be as entertaining as this! You choose to waste an extra 57 dull minutes? There’s no method to your madness and with that logic- you’re the type of morons who should apply to be on The Apprentice…

For this episode, I chose the word ‘corporate’ to swig to, not because I’m psychic, but good old Al told me that I would be plastered within minutes.

The brief was to put on a profitable and satisfying away day for two clients. Yep those days out where everyone would rather be in the office because they have shitloads of work to do and bonding with Steve from Finance who suffers from short man syndrome is the last thing on your list of priorities. One of those days. If you think your company away day is painful, thank your lucky stars it isn’t organised by The Brady Bunch.

Team Leader for Evolve was Francesca and it was Leah for Endeavour. After a few swigs of brandy in my gaff, they became one. Put the yellow pages down and google them, they are identical. Both teams picked ‘Back to School’ theme because between them they don’t have a creative bone in their bodies. I should probably mention that the clients spent £5000 each on these away days. There was a cupcake making class, wine tasting, sumo wrestling, expensive flamingos and motivational speakers. Dressing up as sumo wrestlers, whilst drinking wine and baking cakes was all the rage in my school days too…

I’m not going to beat around the bush, so both teams had to give a partial refund to their clients, and Endeavour won thanks to Neil’s motivational speech. Evolve were summoned to the boardroom and after a cat fight, Al fires Rebecca, the pleb who spent £300 on a plastic flamingo.

Quote of the show: When the boys asked Leah for advice on purchasing sumo wrestling suits, she responds “I don’t want managers of a bank rolling around in sumo outfits. Buy them as a last resort and they can just touch each other.” Oh Leah, you rebel, you certainly know how to have fun.

Business lessons learnt

1. Company away days could be better, but they could always be worse: organised by amateurs on the Apprentice.

2. There are people out there who will spend £300 on a plastic flamingo as a prop for a one day event.

3. Don’t watch The Apprentice and if you choose to, at least have the decency to write next weeks’ post for me.

Billie Graham is “Social Panda” at Cranberry Panda.  She says;  I have absolutely no authority, right or place to critique the Apprentice. My views are mine and the swear words are definitely Lou’s. I don’t just spend my days engrossed in Al’s show; I am also Social Panda at Cranberry Panda“