The Apprentice 2013 Episode 4: the one with the milkshakes and the fruity cow…

I’m pretty sure that poor lovely Billie Graham of Cranberry Panda is regretting offering to write reviews on The Apprentice for us.  She’s done two great ones so far (Setting the tone in episode’s one and two and Episode 3: the one with the poxy boxy and the sales orgasm).  Here is her summary of what happened last night…

If you read last week’s post, you faithful creatures, you’ll know I play a cheeky word association game to get me through the episode. This week I was designated two words by tweeps so that I could become intoxicated in double quick time. The allocated words were ‘milkshake’ and ‘shop’. It’s clear that The Apprentice is not only going to cost me a small fortune, it’s going to cost me my liver. Due to the nature of the show, I have to get completely annihilated to watch it. My tolerance to alcohol is becoming greater and my purse is getting lighter. Why did I sign up to this again Lou? Step aside Mother Theresa, I am sacrificing my Wednesday evenings to watch plebs milk cows and sell fruit on PRIME time telly, for the benefit of my peers. You best be grateful, this is no small feat.

This week Al has told the candidates to source stock from farms to sell in a farm-shop to hippies who have more money than sense. Team Evolve decided to sell soup, jacket potatoes and Buffalo. Evolve named their shop ‘Buffalocal’ because by this point they wanted me and the other viewer to stick pins in our eyes. Team Endeavour thought milkshakes were the way forward and called their shop ‘Fruity Cow’ – just when we thought it was safe to remove the pins…

The milkshakes were so successful that Endeavor decided to add another cheeky beverage to the menu; apple juice, but not just any apple juice; locally produced apple juice using cartons from cost cutter. You couldn’t make this up. But in the end, it simply wasn’t enough as Evolve made £92 more profit than Endeavor. Al sent Uzma packing because she was costing the BBC’s make-up artist an absolute fortune.

Apologies for the brief summary but I found it very difficult to concentrate whilst dancing around drunk pretending to be Kelis singing “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, it’s better than yours.”

Quote of the episode:  Boy from Wales: “Are we going to get costumes? ‘Cos I wouldn’t mind dressing as a scarecrow.”

Business Lessons Learnt:

1. If you have a job you don’t need to do, like watching The Apprentice; get someone else to do it, like muggins over here.

2. When promoting the goodness of organic produce, don’t lace your produce with no frills apple juice from Costcutter; it just ain’t ethical. Innit.

3. If you purchase anything from the candidates on this show, wait until 5pm, where they will flog their goods at cost price.

Billie Graham is “Social Panda” at Cranberry Panda.  She says;  I have absolutely no authority, right or place to critique the Apprentice. My views are mine and the swear words are definitely Lou’s. I don’t just spend my days engrossed in Al’s show; I am also Social Panda at Cranberry Panda