The Apprentice 2013; Setting the tone in episode’s one and two

As you may recall from previous years I can’t bring myself to watch The Apprentice.  But I do love to know what’s going on and I know lots of you do too!  So, for 2013 I’ve persuaded the funny, articulate and opinionated Billie Graham of Cranberry Panda to give up her Wednesday evenings and endure enjoy an hour on our behalf.  This week she had the joy of two episodes and here is her review:

Episode 1: The Chinese waving cats and the nutty Team Leader

The Apprentice is back and it’s so bad it’s terrible. I would do a breakdown of the candidates but I don’t want you to feel incarcerated here. All you need to know is that the boys all talk over each other and the girls are taking things personal. Al did the usual in the first episode and made it boys vs girls. Bless him.

The brief was to sell toilet roll, cat litter, water, hi vis jackets and Lucky Chinese waving cats. The girls team thought the best place to sell Chinese waving cats would be in Chinatown to Chinese people who import the goods from China for 5p. The mind boggles. Nick’s face was also a picture: Does Al’s right hand man suffer from memory loss? He always looks like he’s not quite sure where he is.

The boys’ team’s finest moment was definitely not bending over in a casino car park shoving batteries up the Chinese waving cat’s arses. Again, the mind boggles.

The girl’s lost and their PM was fired, for being ridiculously enthusiastic without an ounce of leadership, similar to those who say you can achieve anything but don’t show the way. Good call in firing her, Al.

As you can tell, I can’t wait for episode 2… oops spoke way too soon.

Episode 2: The one with the Yellow Pages

The BBC really are spoiling us with two episodes in two consecutive nights. As 75% of you recruiters are spurs fans, I highly doubt you were watching last night but alas, being the humanitarian that I am, I endured the full 60 minutes to sum up in approx 3 minutes for you.

The brief was to invent a flavoured beer and sell to the MASS market. The boys’ team split and PM Kurt picks a sub team to make the beer, named A BITTER THIS. It is a fantastic sub team. One of them doesn’t enjoy beer, and one doesn’t drink beer on religious grounds were in charge of making and sampling the beverage. Terrible. Things were even worse on the girls’ team (Tim was their PM). They suggested acai berry and black pepper beer for the MASS market! Luckily they overruled that one in favour of rhubarb and caramel. They needed an abacus to aid their disastrous miscalculations; throwing away two casks of beer. As Al said, they literally could not organise a piss up in a Brewery.

The most fascinating thing about this episode was the presence of the Yellow Pages. They flicked through it to find numbers and addresses. Imagine. They handled it as though they use it on a daily basis! I’m certain one of the girls pulled it out of her Mulberry Bag. Now call me ludicrous for even suggesting it but perhaps it was product placement. Who even uses the yellow pages nowadays?

Back to the task, they tried to sell beer to Morris dancers and wine drinkers in London. The boys’ team tried selling it to a pub without any samples. That went down a storm.

The Boys team won and the fired one was Tim (you make me nervous) nice but dim.

The ‘twat of this episode’ goes to all of the candidates. Well done!

Quote of the week was from the big man Al himself, when one of the candidates was moaning about members in his sub team not being entirely ethical with potential clients; “Are you from the office of fair trading?”

Business Lessons learned 

1. The yellow pages still exists
2. People still use and rely on the yellow pages
3. Basic Maths will be used in everyday business
4. Beer sales total £18bn pounds per year

 

Billie Graham is “Social Panda” at Cranberry Panda.  This is her biog (and picture to the right);  I have absolutely no authority, right or place to critique the Apprentice. My views are mine and the swear words are definitely Lou’s. I don’t just spend my days engrossed in Al’s show; I am also Social Panda at Cranberry Panda.